Life Story Work

“If your child remembers being told they were adopted, they were probably told too late”, was a piece of advice I remember being shared in a support group once.

I don’t know if you subscribe to that point of view or not but it certainly got people thinking and talking!

Our own family experience of sharing our son’s Life Story with him is that it has never been a one-off, sit down and discuss, formal event. Instead the fact that we are his third family and that he understands what it means to be adopted is a narrative that is naturally woven into regular and frequent conversation.

Because he became our son at age 5 he has had a good grasp of the fact that his birth parents were unable to parent him and that he was chosen to be our son after a period in foster care. However emotive all this is for us, he is for the most part factual and accepting in our chats. He asks questions, we answer them.

I do however know that with younger children it can be difficult to get started on talking about their life story and parents can worry that bringing up the past will unsettle or confuse them. If this is the case I hope some of these tools and ideas may be of help to you…

Life Story Book

Our son’s social worker created a wonderful Life Story Book and we will forever be grateful for this. The story starts and ends with us as a family but in the middle, it goes into why his birth parents were unable to care for a child in an age-appropriate way. This book is not hidden away in our home but is in our lounge so that it is accessible for him whenever he wants to grab it. Sometimes we sit and look at it with him, other times he has taken into school to share with his class and teacher.

Treasure Box

This was started by Sarah and Tony the foster carers and contains cards, tickets, momentos of days out and small toys. Some from birth parents and some from his time in foster care. Each object has its own story attached to it that our son can look at and chat about. And we too have started our own treasure box of memories for him for the narrative to continue.

Taking the opportunities

As well as being available to answer our son’s questions we also try to actively open conversation to talk about his story. If you are struggling to have start chats with your child, here are a few golden opportunities not to miss: if you see a pregnant lady-“you didn’t come out of my tummy did you?” When you watch a film (they are nearly all about adoption on one level or another!) “Paddington needed a new family too didn’t he?” When he asks if he’s going to be tall or not “I expect you will be about average height like your birth parents are.”

Later-life letter

All recently adopted children should also have a later-life letter from social services. Ideally this should be written to be read at a later stage, say around puberty and may include a more detailed, more adult explanation of why the plan for them was adoption.  Every adopted child has the right to access and read his or her file at the age of 18 and if handled correctly the later-life letter should contain all pertinent information so that no surprises are found at this point.

And finally a few health warnings!

Know the details of your child’s CPR. I think it’s a great comfort to our adopted children that we know all about them. If they want to ask again about half-siblings, make sure you remember their names and ages!

Your child’s story is their story. Generally people are fascinated by adoption and if people are honest they would love to know why your child came to be adopted. What you tell and to whom is up to you but remember it is your child’s story.

Your child may also need some wisdom on what to share and when. My son recently changed schools and I had to remind him that it was his choice whether to share that he was adopted and that what becomes known cannot be unknown.

Be sensitive about reducing shame for our children. Their birth parents choices were not theirs. What happened to our son was not his fault and he was not responsible. Be careful in the words and language used and help them move towards a place of valuing themselves.

And finally…relax! Sometimes we get all tied up in knots wanting to speak to our children. No sooner is the sentence out of our mouth and they nod and ask “Can I build my LEGO police car now?”

Good luck. I love to hear from you and it’s great that we can support each other in the challenging but joyful world of adoption…